Use the above stimulus to write a descriptive piece of writing.
Remember all of the writing skills learned and revised in Year 6.
Challenge yourself! 🙂
Use the above stimulus to write a descriptive piece of writing.
Remember all of the writing skills learned and revised in Year 6.
Challenge yourself! 🙂
The shadows loomed over me, and I hopped from rock to rock on the bumpy road. The road was BORING. Who would make such a thing? It was restricting, and people had to walk the paths of other, well, ORDINARY people. I didn’t like it one bit. I walked to the trees. I saw tangled leaves and huge thorns. I wasn’t scared. Other animals could do it. If we were better than them, that meant I could do it.
“OW!” I shouted, realising that maybe, I should walk along the road. No. I musn’t. To be honest, I was getting used to them the further I was to the road. If I go back, I wouldn’t have donw anything, and I wanted to finish what I had started. I could see, in the distance, my goal. I could see people roaming around the market. there was where I needed to go. I wasn’t that far away. I was proud of myself when suddenly, I tripped on a tree stump. Now my knees were bleeding. “Oh God.” There was no point of screaming, that wouldn’t do anything to the scar. There was no point of screaming, nobody would come. When I got back up, I was only a few steps away. I went around the sleeping squirrels and voila. I was there. “What took you so long?” My sister asked, waiting for me to answer. I thought: I have come across a dangerous road, harmed. She has come here, quicker easier, and unharmed. It did seem a little unfair.
“Why didn’t you just come with us in the car? And why did you not walk along the road?” She asked, and sighed. “Mum’s gonna be furious about this one.” and I smiled. I had just walked the road nobody did. I was happier than ever. I achieved something. And she was, well, average.
(It’s a bit long sorry)
This one is edited.
The shadows loomed over me, and I hopped from rock to rock on the bumpy road. The road was BORING. Who would make such a thing? It was restricting, and people had to walk the paths of other, well, AVERAGE people. I didn’t like it one bit. I walked to the grass. I saw tangled leaves and huge thorns. I wasn’t scared. Other animals could do it. If we were better than them, that meant I could do it.
“OW!” I shouted, realising that maybe, I should walk along the road. No. I musn’t. To be honest, I was getting used to them the further I was to the road. I could see, in the distance, my goal. I could see people roaming around the market.There was where I needed to go. I wasn’t that far away. I was a bit proud of myself when suddenly, I tripped on a tree stump. My knees started to bleed. “Oh God.” There was no point of screaming, that wouldn’t do anything to the scar. There was no point of screaming, nobody would come.
When I got back up, I was only a few steps away. I went around the sleeping squirrels and… voila. I was there. “What took you so long?” My sister asked, waiting for me to answer. I thought: I came here risking my life, well, my knees and harmed. She came here, quicker, easier, and most importantly, unharmed. It did seem a little unfair. “Why didn’t you just come with us in the car? And why did you not walk along the road?” She asked, and sighed. “Mum’s gonna be furious about this one.” and I smiled. I had just walked the road nobody did. I was happier than ever. I achieved something. And she was, well, average.
Wow Yeseo!
That is some very descriptive writing and I love it!
The only thing I would say is…
Maybe when you said “I walked to the grass.” You could say “I walked towards the grass.”
Just a suggestion.
Thanks Erika!
Thanks for the constructive feedback Erika, we really appreciate it!
I like your choice of verbs in this piece, for example “roaming”. Also, I can tell that you are really working on your punctuation, particularly the use of commas to avoid ambiguity in your writing.
I did however find the plot a bit vague, I wasn’t really sure where they were going or why they were going there.
Thanks for the submission Yeseo! 5 points for Griffins! 🙂
The wind whistled in the trees as I trudged down the dirt road. I felt a chill creep up my spine. I knew I was late. Too late. The last golden rays of sunlight disappeared. Up in the sky, the full moon shone menacingly. Behind me, I heard a rustle. I started to run. I didn’t turn around, knew it was there. I heard its paws pounding along the track, chasing me. I dived off the road and into the undergrowth. It stopped, sniffed around for a bit. Finally, it let out a mournful howl and ran back the way it had come. Puzzled, I stepped out of the undergrowth. It had known I was hiding there, so why had it fled? Suddenly, a terrible thought occurred to me. Could the prophecy of the ancient forest be true?
“No.” I said. “That would be silly.” I turned around. A clearing had seemingly materialized out of nowhere. As I approached it, I felt a tingle of dread. Surely this clearing couldn’t have magicked itself up could it? Was that why the wolf had fled? Because he saw who had conjured the clearing? With a shudder of unease, I approached the clearing. There were several ancient statues, engraved with curious glowing blue markings. Overgrown grass grew everywhere, lit by tiny fireflies. As I surveyed this strange scene, I remembered something. Home! I had to get home! I dashed out of the woods. Little did I know what was happening in the clearing behind me…
Woah! This is really good, Ewen! This is amazing description: I can really imagine what’s happening! I particularly like the sentence “Overgrown grass grew everywhere, lit by tiny fireflies.”
Oh I love how atmospheric this piece of writing is. I love all the literary features that you have used here: alliteration, personification, rhetorical questions etc. Also, you have used them effectively but sparingly, which is important. You have also varied your sentence length to create a sense of tension in the piece. Similarly to Yeseo, you have used some really interesting verbs in your writing. such as “trudged”, “dived”, “fled” etc.
I know it’s very tricky in a first person narrative but can you think of ways to structure your piece so you avoid excessively using the personal pronoun “I”?
I think this is great and I actually really want to continue reading to find out what is happening in the clearing!
5 house points for Phoenixes! 🙂
I was surrounded by a spidery tangle of trees. The air was empty. Birds left their branches and flew away. Far away. The sunlight faded as I continued to stomp down this treacherous path. The black tree branches twisted and gnarled like ghostly stooped figures. Crunch. I stepped on a dead, fiery red leaf. The bushes were dying. The black from the branches spread through the trees. This place was dead.
I was just going for a calm walk. To get some fresh air. I could hear birds chirping and singing. Ducks splashing around in the pond. Everything was going amazingly well. Then a huge shadow loomed over me. I started running. I could see it just behind me. I could breathe anymore. When I took a break i could see it. It was wearing a black cloak and a black hat. Then, it said in low croaky voice.. RUN. I ran as fast as I ever had. As i was running, I could see old brick wall. It had spider webs and vines going down it. I was at a dead end. It closer and closer until..
Something grabbed onto the strange figure. The black man let out a shriek of terror and anger before he was taken away. To this day i am still traumatised..
Amy! This is amazing! I like how you used a lot of Ellipsis (…)!